Does this sound familiar?
You try and cast the biggest vision for your worship team and no one cares.
You do your best to give people a chance on the team and they argue and fight.
Expectations aren’t met and now you’re at odds with someone.
It would be nice to be somewhere where this didn’t happen, right?
Life is always better somewhere, isn’t it? Have you thought like this?
- Ministry must be awesome at “his” church, with “his” resources, budget, and leadership…
- If only I could be in a situation like that one over there, I would really flourish…
- If only I had a different worship team we wouldn’t be having these problems..
- If only I was born into the Hillsong family, man my life would be different…
Does this sound familiar? The grass is always greener on the other side. While it may be a cliche, it’s important to realize how discontented we can convince ourselves to be.
But the truth is, even if our circumstances changed, we wouldn’t be happy. We’d find something else to dislike or complain about. The problem is within.
Here’s the big idea: before you try and change your circumstances, change how you respond to those circumstances.
So how do you deal with a worship team where there’s relational tension? Where getting offended is a regular occurrence?
Before you rush off to find a new worship team, let’s look at the foundations of your team and how you may be able to reverse the epidemic.
5 Tips for Dealing with Relationship Tension
Here are 5 of my best tips, in no particular order:
1. Communicate Often – Most (if not all) relationship tension is the result of bad communication. Communicate often, communicate clear. Communicate in groups and communicate one on one. The best way to approach this is to craft a communication plan. What are you going to communicate on a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly basis. Write it down so you don’t have to figure it out every day.
2. Confront One on One – If there’s someone who is disruptive or disrespectful, you need to have a one on one conversation with them. Preferably, the day it happens. Don’t allow it to continue. I know it’s easier said than done, but similar to the Matthew 18 principle, take up your offense with that person before you go anywhere else.
3. Create a Fun Culture – A lot of disruptive relationship tension is because of high maintenance people on your team. But before you go blaming people, own it. Great leaders own the culture of their teams. They say, “I am responsible for what goes on here. I am responsible for casting the vision, setting the tone, and creating the culture that I want.” Create a culture of fun and a culture of excellence. A lot can be overcome if everyone is having a good time.
4. Recruit the Right People – Just because someone is a great musician doesn’t make them fit for your worship team. Oftentimes the better musicians (or those with the most musical experience) can be the biggest drama queens. They’re in it for themselves. They’re not teachable. So as you’re going about your audition process, don’t just look for skill, look for a good personality and a teachable spirit.
5. Zoom Out – When we’re offended, our knee-jerk reaction is to react. We fire off an angry email to prove a point. We argue. We raise our voice. As a leader, you need to learn the skill of pastoral reaction. I like to think of it like zooming out from the current situation and seeing the larger picture.
This person (insert name) who is offended or who has offended you, is under your pastoral care. Relate to them not just in the moment but as a pastor who wants the best for their lives and your relationship. Taking some time to zoom out like this will help you develop the best course of action for confrontation.
Alright worship leaders, now it’s time to hear from you. How do you handle these relational conflicts?
How do you work towards a healthy team culture?
Let us know in the comments by clicking here!
[ois skin=”Beyond Sunday 2″]
Thanks David, this is really helpful!
No problem, Comfort! Thanks for reading.
I had some conflict with one of my singers when I corrected his singing tone. He was offended. He is the sensitive type. I am the direct type and not sensitive. So I called him to try to make peace. As I tried to encourage him to be teachable and that it was only for his good, the whole conversation got off course and confusing and he misunderstood my words and intentions and it became a bigger mess. I was so bummed. I had not clearly communicated my heart and now he was judging me as being a bully. The devil was definitely causing confusion. He decided to step down from the team. I was so disappointed because he was not only my best singer but a friend as well. I continued to pray for him and for the Lord to work. I continued to email him and appeal to him with truth and affirming how much I loved his contribution to the team. We eventually cleared up the misunderstanding and agreed to forgive and move on even though he was in the wrong for his over reaction. I knew it would be good for him to be back in the worship ministry and that he would flounder without it. I gave him time, space and prayer. We reconciled as friends but he still wouldn’t sing with me. I don’t like to baby people or cater to their flesh. I’d rather work with people who have a right heart and are not going to be difficult but I know I used to be a difficult person myself years ago when I first started out in music. I had someone who was patient with me and I grew. So i know I need to do the same for others; at least to a certain extend.. About 3 months went by and he wanted to come back. This was a rare victory. It doesn’t usually happen this way. Most leave with their pride still intact. Most even leave the church. But I’m happy to say he didn’t and now we are enjoying singing together again. I praise God for that! What I learned is that I need to know my team and their sensitivities and be careful in the way I communicate to them, especially the sensitive types. But this only goes so far because no matter what I do, or how I say things, they can still find a reason to be offended, but at least I can have a peace that I did all I could on my part to be wise and sensitive. I am more careful now to affirm my team so they know how much they are valued, so when I do have to give unpleasant input, hopefully they will receive it better. It’s not easy being a leader and many times there is no easy way to approach things. You just have to do it and learn from it and ask the Lord to cover your mistakes with His grace.
Based on your tone in this thread, I would have been offended too. The way that you speak of the situation shows that you have some growth to do. Like there’s no possible way that your tone or what you said was wrong be he did this & he did that. The thing is, you don’t have to baby anyone, You’re right in that vein, but you have to remember that when you’re correcting someone, especially when it’s something they are good at or really trying hard at, it can hurt. Approach the situations carefully & meekly. Regardless of your personality type (I have the same kind) bite the bullet & be nice. I repeat the mantra, “Lord, change me” often with things like this. I hope that I didn’t offend you, but I wanted you to see an outsider’s perspective on things.
Because he did this & he did that*
David,
I hear where you’re coming from Louise. As a middle school choir director I deal with these issues on a daily basis and I’ve learned to make it clear to my students (as well as my worship singers) that when I’m making corrective remarks regarding singing style it isn’t something I’m criticizing them on but coaching them on. I tell them that “Mary the singer” is not the same as “Mary the person” and that my intentions are to help them grow as a singer just like I strive to help my musicians grow in their craft as well. Once they understand that distinction they may be more apt to receive the correction or “coaching”. If there’s still an offense then there’s obviously an issue dealing with pride there they may need to work on, but I believe this is a safe way to approach the matter. Hope that helps.
Sorry I meant to address my reply to Louise not David :). Although David thanks for sharing this refreshing post!
Thanks for understanding Armando.I think I’ve been mis-judged by some who have jumped to conclusions and do not know all the details. We’ve all seen weak music leaders who are too afraid to correct and the whole team suffers. It takes courage to give input to people especially musicians and it’s not always well received mostly because of pride. Our greatest strength can be our greatest weakness because we think too highly of ourselves and become unteachable. I also think in today’s Church, people aren’t used to being held accountable or corrected (even in small things) so when it does happen, they are shocked. We are doing a dis-service to our brothers and sisters in ministry if we do not help them to grow in their service by healthy confrontation or input. In my situation, my singers and musicians are fairly old and set in their ways, which makes it even harder to direct them at times.
David,
I would like to take a little good natured umbrage with you regarding the generalization in statement 4.
I have had the opportunity to play with some profoundly talented players, one of which included a guy who is the first call for keys for major touring pros in a huge metropolitan market, and I have found that the “pros” are the nicest and most accommodating folks to be around because the “pros” know that their next “gig” is almost entirely dependent upon them being nice and easy to work with because, as you intimated, no one wants to work with a diva.
I think the issue could be with folks who have done music most of their lives and had a little taste of success, whether singing lead in their high school musicals or hearing folks at their local church heap praise on them, and they have quit listening because they are content with where they have landed talent wise. They have never had to hustle or be nice to assure their next meal and have succumbed to the temptation to get puffed up with their own talents.
But another thing to recognize is that many leaders have forgotten how to be humble, teachable, and most importantly not jealous of another’s gifting when it comes to encountering people who are profoundly blessed in the area of music. A good example of this is the church where a friend of mine serves as a volunteer; this church is near a school that is world renown for it’s music program and as such the band is made up of music students and grads. One 4th of July on the spur of the moment the music leader asked the keyboardist to play America The Beautiful during the offertory and gave the young man all the lee way in the world to approach the song as he liked. My friend who is a gifted composer and musician plays bass for their worship team watched the young man walk to a quiet place back stage, stand still for 5 minutes while he visualized the changes in the song and then he walked out and played the most appropriate and amazing jazz improvisation on the theme of America the Beautiful. An example of a leader recognizing the amazing talent given to this young man… by the way, did I mention that the young man is a percussion major and is an absolute animal on the kit? Gifting…
Lod, I totally agree with you. I probably did make too big of a generalization in that point and appreciate the clarity you brought. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Also, what is this kid’s number so I can recruit him for my team? 😉
I don’t think I will be able to get this kids number… The guy who played kit on that team just went up to Chicago to teach and play in the pit for touring musicals, so I think my bass-playing buddy has this kid under 24 hour a day lock down feeding him hot pockets and jazz standards.
Such great advice! It’s been a process allowing the Holy Spirit to refine the leader in me, enabling me to grow into someone who can respond to conflict effectively and positively. I’m not all there yet, but have made great strides in several key areas — keeping my cool, addressing issues quickly with sensitivity and firmness, and believing in my ability to assess situations, make the right decisions and communicate my heart thoroughly to my team. Lots of prayer and scripture-time with the Lord, lots of conversations with more mature leaders, and lots of love from my family and friends have inspired me to keep reaching for God’s best. God wants to complete something in our lives as leaders every bit as much as He desires awesome music and enthusiastic responses from our churches during worship.
This is great, Alice. I love the leadership specifics you mention here. I take it you’re like me and naturally shy away from confrontation?
Ok so I play electric guitar on the youth worship team. I am always prepared, never late, always respectful, and polite. I get to church an hour and a half early to print out chords charts, set up the sound system and turn on everything, clean up the stage etc.
but my worship leader always schedules his best friends to play.
Background: me and my worship leader don’t have a good relationship. He constantly ignores me, he never asks “hi, how are you? How was your weekend?” All I get is more work. What is the point of me doing all this work, that’s not really my job, and not be schelduled. This is the youth worship band. All the youth members get to play and then there’s his best friend, always playing electric?! Why?!?
He obviously doesn’t understand. I also have mild aspergers but it doesn’t effect the way that I play or anything! Music is the only thing that I can focus on, usually playing in worship helps me to remember the message, what we talked about in small groups. I’m going to the university of Valley Forge next year. I’m always treated like crap. I need to get ready for college because I majoring in music and worship arts. Help me please!
I have prayed about it constantly, and God says to talk to him, but he doesn’t want to talk to me. He always sticks his assistant on me and she just tells me that I can’t talk to him about anything.