I used to think I was a selfless person.
Until I got married.
Marriage has revealed how wrapped up I am in myself. But I’ve learned that marriage is a process and though you may not start off with a perfect one, the journey will make both of you better, if you allow it.
Shortly after my beautiful wife and I were married, I read a book that changed my life. It was Sacred Marriage
“What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”
It’s the most difficult, yet most rewarding experience of my life. Marriage brings out the worst in me – my selfishness, my issues, my laziness. But it’s also taught me more about ministry and living for Jesus than anything.
Today I want to draw parallels between marriage and leading worship. What if the same truth applies? What if God wants to use worship leading as a means to make you holy more than a hobby that makes you happy?
Think about it. God is committed to your holiness – to making you more like Jesus. Everything about your life is a means to that end.
6 Worship Leading Lessons I’ve Learned From Being Married
Here are some lessons I see:
1. Marriage teaches you to serve – Marriage will only work if both partners are others-focused. It’s about serving your spouse, meeting their needs, and looking outside yourself. In the same way, worship leaders need to be focused on pastoring their congregation.
Worship isn’t about the spread of their talent. It’s about God’s people connecting with their Maker.
2. Marriage teaches you about spiritual leadership – Though this point is aimed at the husbands, it can be applied to the wife as well. It’s one thing to lead yourself spiritually. But leading a family dials up the intensity.
As a worship leader, you have to lead with spiritual passion. It’s not just about your songlist, your band, and your ability to work a room. You show up ready to engage with God.
3. Marriage teaches you about the love of God – The love of God extends to us despite our imperfections. Before we even knew God, He chose to love us. That’s the kind of love I’m learning to show to my wife. And that’s the love that envelops us as we worship.
4. Marriage teaches you about mistakes – We all know it’s rare for a worship set to take place without mistakes. We lead and we learn. In marriage, mistakes abound. It’s all about showing grace and extending forgiveness when expectations aren’t met.
5. Marriage teaches you about planning – A great marriage is a marriage that is planned. A husband and wife must be intentional. If left to happenstance, you’ll look back and wonder what happened. In the same way, powerful worship leading is a combination of careful planning and spontaneity.
Without planning, worship teams don’t serve their congregation well.
6. Marriage teaches you about priorities – Once you are married, you family is your most important responsibility. Beyond your relationship with God, nothing even compares. It becomes easy for us to spend more time elsewhere – we can be busy doing the work of ministry while neglecting the work of ministering to our family.
I love how Jon Acuff puts it. He doesn’t want his kid’s only memory to be of their Dad’s forehead as he relentlessy checked his iPhone.
As a worship leader, you also need to define your priorities. What you do is about the glory of God. Don’t get sidetracked by lesser aims.
Life begins to take new shape when you see that God is always speaking, always teaching, always making you more like Jesus.
Question: What ministry lessons have you learned from being married? Let’s dive in. You can leave a comment by clicking here.
*This post is part of a blog series on Marriage & Ministry. Check out the other great posts here.
Marital disunity and strife or ignoring of issues or obsession can also cause issues to one’s ministry. We were on some teams that one day a couple we had been with for years just announced “we are getting a divorce”. and this sadly was not only one couple. it felt like such a loss of opportunity to have been there to encourage or pray or stand beside them in whatever the issues were at that point, and so many hours had been spent praying and singing and playing with them, without actually knowing each other.
My prayer is that believers working together would know Him initimately and honestly, and this translate to our relationships with one another. Many things are sacred between a husband and wife, and belong between them. But when we struggle with things that everyone else does, it is better I think to just put it out there. Many times others have been through it or are struggling the same and He helps us once we openly admit it is there, and He is glorified in the struggle and strengthening.
To protect each other is different from hiding our issues from the body of Christ. Covering a sore don’t heal it or protect it if there is no treatment applied.
Good insight, Rhonda. It’s amazing how when you share your pain it offers hope to someone else.
I think I spoke to long there, sorry for that. Marriage is marvelous and hard and happy and worthwhile work. I get lots of chances to practice and grow when I am open to listening to and better knowing each other.
So many lessons… But most recently I would say “balance” balancing ministry, marriage, family, friends, hobbies, etc…
*not in that order 😉
Marriage is always a choice. We can choose to enjoy or we can choose not to. Where we land in our attitude will decide the outcome. I can choose to hold things over my husband and be upset about the little things, or I can choose to forgive, move on and love him.
Same goes for worship, if my mind is not set on the Word, I will not be leading worship, I’ll be singing/playing. If I’m upset about a bad practice, my attitude will show through. I have to choose to make the best out of a situation (without being fake).
Unfortunately, I think the choice of attitude is often overlooked. We often would rather pass blame for how we are acting (“because we can’t control what they do”) instead of simply moving on.
Your comment about attitude helped me with a sticky situation today Miranda. Thank you for that little reminder. I felt slighted this week and instead of call in the Calvary or over react, after wrestling with it a bit and consulting you know who… I prayed for the persons heart who does this often to me and others, for another to find joy in the day and places and for another to develop greater inner beauty. This led to actions and fewer words and peace within me that in the end rocked the day into kindness and productivity and better knowing and appreciating others. Better than the same old drama by far. Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up old quarrels, but Love covers over a multitude of sins.
I couldn’t agree with you more, David. I got married in May of last year, but I already feel like I’ve learned so much. My wife is my absolute best friend in the entire world and I couldn’t see doing ministry without her. One very important that I learned is that my wife doesn’t want me to love the church more than her. I’ve grown up around many ministers with broken families because they devoted more time to ministry than to their families. I’ve made it a goal for my priorities to be God, my family, and then ministry.
Michael, that’s the best decision you can make. Always prioritize your wife above ministry. You’re right, there are too many pastor families that are broken.