We all have to do it at one time or another.
Embracing confrontation and having difficult conversations is something every leader needs to get comfortable with.
Worship leader, consider the situations I’m sure you’ve been in:
- Confronting a musician who is chronically late
- Asking an ‘out-of-tune’ vocalist to step down from the team
- Addressing a bad attitude
While I don’t love confrontation, I’ve learned how necessary it is. Without it, we allow behavior to continue that, over time, destroys a team. And we don’t do a good job of pastoring our people.
During my early days as a leader, I was terrible at this. I wanted everyone to be happy. I wanted everyone to be involved. But a worship team is not a place for everyone. It takes a compassionate yet courageous leader who embraces confrontation.
3 Tips For Having Difficult Conversations
Here are a few best tips for doing this well:
1. Introduce Worship Team Evaluations
It’s always more difficult to have a difficult conversation out of the blue. But if you’ve established an annual (or quarterly) tradition of evaluating every member on your worship team, it’s much easier.
They begin to expect the confrontation and it gives you a chance to disciple. Elevation worship has a great worksheet for you to adapt. You can download that here.
2. Sandwich the conversation
No, I’m not talking about picking up a couple $5 foot longs for your confrontation meeting. Matter of fact, yes I am. Do that. It will help 🙂
I’m referring to how you frame the conversation. The sandwich method is essentially this:
- Speak positively about the person
- Confront what needs confronted
- Envision them
For example, if you’re asking someone to step down from the team, share your appreciation for their faithfulness. Be honest and genuine.
Then get to the point and share with them why they need to step down. Then envision them with a new place they can serve. When asking a team member to step down, it’s often that they’re just in the wrong place. There’s a better fit elsewhere in the church.
3. View It Through A Discipleship Lens
Anytime you need to confront someone, see it as an opportunity for discipleship – an opportunity to see this person grow. That’s not to say they’ll always accept your advice or take it well.
But as a leader, it’s part of your responsibility to make hard decisions and disciple those on your team. Don’t allow bad habits to fester.
And that’s the main reason you should do this: to disciple your worship team. Remember, it’s not just about getting stuff done. It’s about their growth into Christlikeness.
Question: What are some difficult confrontations you’ve had to experience? What did you learn? Let us know in the comments!
Right on bro! Great timing too as I have to tell a girl who auditioned last night that she won’t work with our team.
You’re spot on with the discipleship aspect too! Our church is in the process of pushing our people to make disciples who make disciples, oh and by the way also be discipled while you’re at it!
Thanks for your insight. It’s almost like you listen to what God is saying to you and then blog about it.
🙂
Thanks Paul, I try 🙂 how did the rest of the auditions go?
This is some great insight, David. #2 is especially important and I can speak from personal experience that the sandwich method works.
I’ve never done annual reviews with team members, but it sounds like an interesting idea. Is that what you do with your team?
Yea, I got the idea from Elevation and we started implementing it this past fall. It provides a consistent place to give feedback and even personally appreciate your volunteers.
I really like how you articulated this idea. #3 is particularly key. If we as worship leaders/pastors begin to see participation in our ministries as a means by which characters can be changed to be more Christ-like, we’ll naturally include the discipleship aspect of leading.
Another idea for #1 is to have a regular “audition cycle.” In doing that you have another natural context (2-3 times annually) where the team reviews where they’ve been, learns what the vision for the next season of service is and when new members can jump on board, current members can take a break or be asked to step down as the case may be.
Thx for this post. 🙂
Thanks Bobby. Is this “audition cycle” you’re talking about an all team gathering or is it one on one?
I specifically remember filling in for our Worship Pastor and a young girl I had been mentoring was a vocalist that week. She was not able to be at practice (the first problem, right?), but then something happened Sunday morning and she showed up 5 minutes before the first service was starting. That doesn’t give you much time for conversation, but it was difficult dealing with that situation within 3 minutes and letting her know she would not be on team that morning. It made me wish the main leader had done a better job at establishing and communicating expectations. This leader did not want to deal with confrontation, and I can say first hand…it makes things worse. :-/
I forgot to say I DID make an opportunity to talk with her later about those actions, consequences, and expectations….all trying to “sandwich” the conversation.
Yea, Anneke, that is a common situation. Even when expectations are clear these things still happen, though less often for sure. Did she respond well to your coaching afterwards?
Thankfully yes. I’ve been involved with worship teams since I was in 8th grade. I had been in her shoes. It helped to be able to say, “I understand. I’ve been there. And I know you understand too.” She is now married and her and her husband are amazing servants. I hope that situation was an opportunity she used to grow.
First off, great post. This is a subject that needs to be harked upon more often and on a regular basis.
It’s ironic that you write on this topic as our worship team is going through very similar situations in “dealing with confrontations” that arise from time to time. A few members of our team could benefit from the annual or bi-annual evaluation (myself included), but it’s really that third point that we are currently lacking in.
Our worship pastor (took over in June 2011) is trying to be tactful and honest with our team as a whole while exhibiting kindness and patience, but it is a difficult transition, especially with him being younger than the majority of our crew (we have a few members over 40 years of age, so we aren’t lacking perspective). I believe our team is very “set” in their ways more times than not and it becomes difficult and tricky when someone tries to instruct and direct these individuals on the right path. I know I am like that at times, but I am learning that humility and an open heart to the presence of God will ultimately help me grow as an individual and as a productive member of our worship team.
Thanks again for the post! I enjoy reading your insights on a regular basis!
Josh, you nailed it. Humility and an open heart to God is what makes a great team member. Are the “older guys” on your team completely closed off to change? Do they not respect the new leader? I think that’s a very common problem with young worship leaders and something that should probably addressed in another post 🙂
I am dealing with an older team member with attitude. As a younger worship leader (in the ministry) what are some common issues and ways of talking through problems that arise with older team members ( both in age and in years being in a worship ministry). I find myself at the other end of words said to point out my shortcomings as I grow in the ministry. Things have also been said to other members that come across as making you feel dumb. Kinda harsh at times, and I’m on the verge of confrontation for the first time.
David, appreciate the insight and practical steps. Anneke’s situation is too common. Most of the time, issues that need to be confronted happen at or before a worship service. It can really derail a leader to have to “confront” right before leading worship service – especially those of us who don’t relish confrontation.
How do you all deal with that stuff that can’t wait for a formal evaluation? Especially on Sunday mornings with less than ideal circumstances for tough conversations. I’d love to hear.
I personally deal with it as soon as possible, though I’ve not always been good with this. I’ll pull someone aside after service or call them after I’ve left. I think it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.
Anyone else?
I think it’s important to have an on-going culture of debriefing with our team members so they know what’s good and what needs to be improved. Then it’s not a shock or surprise.
I’ve also found that if they watch the video they would see how others experience them and can often “self-correct”.
When I’ve got the have the hard conversation, I try to see myself in their shoes and frame the conversations like this “I’d like to give you some feedback about …. “
The only thing about the sandwich approach is that I have seen it used as a formula without regard for the people involved or very much thought toward sincerity in content. Following the steps and going through the motions might get the job done, the message delivered, yet it could miss the mark entirely and create more problems or poor habits to resort to for the next time there is an issue like this. Without resolving the issue or behavior or team role and without evolving the group/goal/project to a different expectation you can get stuck using a ton of team energy just “managing” the “problems” and not building on what is working and what can be done. I would add that Prayer & guidance is a must for the leader and receiver, hopefully yielding truthful and clear conversation when setting boundaries, expectations that are intended to bring an ending or parting or mutual understanding of what is to be (or not)going forward. Perhaps If you do not have something truthful and positive to frame the conversation in,or to base it upon, then check your facts, get perspective on your issue, and pray for this to be more clear and in line with His view before proceeding.
Great post David.
We’re right in the midst of addressing a trouble spot with our team. We’ve been having a mini snowball effect of negativity when it comes to the monitor mix.
It starts with one vocalist saying, “I can’t hear myself. I can never hear myself. My husband says he never hears me out in the house either.”
That attitude starts to spread and all of a sudden every vocalist needs more of themselves in the monitor mix. (Last week we were about 5 words into the first song for sound check before a vocalist made it known she couldn’t hear herself).
This has been a trouble spot that we’re giving attention to. Not bad to say you need a little more in the monitor, but the attitude in which it’s communicated can drastically change the atmosphere for your team.
We do evaluations for each member and ask for no more than a 9 month commitment. At the end of that time we re-evaluate. It’s a good way for them to not feel like they are “stuck” in one area of ministry if they feel like they’d rather move on to something else.
It also gives me a chance to address many of the things you’ve talked about in this post.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about Monitor Mixes and how to have a successful sound check. Maybe you’ve already done a post about it. If so, maybe you could point me to it.
Thanks David. Great stuff as always.
Roger, I have not done a post on a sound check but that is a great idea. Look for that soon because I’m drafting it as we speak 🙂 Your situation is all too common!
If I find that if everyone is asking to be turned up, it means the the overall stage volume is probably too loud and lacking clarity therefore making it hard for people to hear themselves. It might be better to ask the sound guy if he can take out any of the instruments who might be unnecessary/too loud in the monitor mix to help the vocalists hear themselves better etc.
It’s so important to respect and trust the sound technicians and we have to create a culture where the band understands this. As a general rule, we have the expectation that everyone should be able to hear the worship leader’s vocals in their monitor for the first song in a rehearsal setting but everyone else should wait till the end of the first song to ask for anything extra from the sound guys as it takes them awhile to get stuff sorted.
If someone is disputing the FOH sound, I tell people that I actually trust the sound technicians to do their job well and I will leave it to them to get a good mix. (It’s also wise to get a 2nd opinion from someone out the front listening or you can leave the stage to have a listen during rehearsal to double-check). Any feedback on mixing styles or sound levels needs to happen during the week when the pressure is off. When it comes to Sunday, TRUST them. If something goes wrong, that’s what a debrief/evaluation is for but it’s often best not to try and work through issues in the heat of the moment.
Good tips, Rachel. I know it’s not feasible for everyone’s situation, but in ear monitors are a life saver in terms of people hearing themselves. Using wedges is another matter. You need good drum and amp isolation so as not to blow people off the stage 🙂
This week I have to carry out bullet point two for the first time. 🙁
It’s scary but I know I have to do it. I’m praying about how to pastor this person well but I feel like I’m crushing their dream. (probably because I am….AHHHH!!!)
Looking back now, I wish I had introduced regular evaluations to create more of a culture of feedback because I feel like this will be a shock to them. Not a good feeling.
Worship Pastors, LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE! If there is someone in your team that you are worried about in terms of skill, attitude, reliability etc. Start the conversation now. Offer them help to get better…give them feedback! At least if it doesn’t work out, you will know you have tried your best and they will know that you have cared enough to want to help them.
Sigh. Some parts of this job aren’t fun.
I know we ALL can relate to you here, Rachel. I’ve learned this the hard way. I’m still learning how to be vulnerable and honest with people from the get go. It saves a lot of heartache, and if they submit to you, they will grow like crazy!
Thanks David for this post.
I follow your blog & forward it often to others in our ministry
B
First of all, thank you so much for this post. The ideas expressed here are most of my thoughts towards my team members, but I have a hard time expressing them clearly myself.
Secondly, I would really love your advice on talking to people older than myself. I am a young 26 year old worship leader and I oversee the worship ministry at our church. To be honest, as much as I try I always seem to get it wrong, at least in everybody else’s eyes. I think i clearly express the vision and the expectations i have from each of them, but after confrontation (which most often doesn’t go well), I seem to second guess myself and the decision I have made. This happens most often with those older than myself. I feel that because I am younger they believe I still need to learn what they think they know and that I dont know enough to lead them.
This is a huge discouragement for me and I find it almost impossible to lead without them having even an inch of faith in me. Please give me some advice
What I hear is that each musician on the team is being asked to be professional. Meaning personal practice on their own time, showing up for services early, set-up quickly, blend in properly with the team (volume, mix, fills & solos, etc), know the songs intimately, have a proper attitude, and all the rest. All the expectations of professional musicians. That is fair.
What I DON’T hear is an acknowledgement that these team members are performing each and every week FOR FREE!! They GIVE their time away each week as part of their Godly worship.
The only one paid for their effort is the worship team leader or worship pastor.
If you expect professional musicianship, then perhaps consider paying the team members, as professional musicians.
I’m weary of the complaining often heard about worship team musicians, without consideration of the fact that they are volunteering their time & talents without compensation. In other words – put your money where your mouth is. Stop whining and complaining about little things and start appreciating these people for what they contribute without asking for payment.
“The laborer is worthy of his wages”